Normal People

 Hesitation. Doubts. Qualms. These three words always accompany every single interaction they have. Still, something kept them both in each other's thoughts. Constantly.

Even though it's been 5 years since they met. 

Until today. 

He was finally visiting her. 5 years later. Her little corner of the world. Where she has dreamed a million dreams. At least half of them had him in them. 

She has a hard time picking just few spots to visit in the 2 hours that he can spend here. Because she wants to retrace every step she has taken in the last 18 years, but this time with him. Show him all her favorite haunts and see him love them as she does.

She still remembers the shy and quiet pride with which he showed her his favorite place. Now she wanted to do that. Take him everywhere and make his mark so that after he leaves, she can live in those places with his shadow.

But. Just 2 hours. 

"I can't believe how fast 2 hours can go", he smiled ruefully. 

"I'm glad we made the most of it", she smiled back.

She didn't have enough time - she never will when the time is with him . But she achieved at least a bit of what she set out to do. She had taken him to her favorite beach - knowing beaches are his happy place too, the library where she lounges, the cafe where everyone knows her, the restaurant which serves the best chicken made just like she knew he would enjoy, the musical she knew he would be interested in, and now ending at her favorite rooftop bar.

Only a short time left before he has to leave. 

They lean over the parapet watching the city rushing by below them. 

The easy camaraderie of the day is coming now to a stilted rhythm. Though their conversations always felt like there were more words unsaid than uttered, the flow usually doesn't stop . But the farewells always have stumbles and stammers. Why is she hesitant? What doubts does he have? Neither can say. 

5 years have given her some courage though. She feels him looking at her and she turns to him. Leans in. He pulls back, doubtfully and slowly. She sighs. He is unsure and looks at her questioningly. Refusing to believe what she clearly shows. 

She looks away and says "am I getting this wrong?" 

"What?", he is still afraid to hope. 

She was quiet, trying to gather the words. "When I visited you, you asked your sister to come stay with us. Why?" 

He clearly didn't expect this. He was thrown. "Err... 5 years ago? Because... Because I thought you'll be more comfortable if another girl was there" 

She is holding the railing tight, trying to get the words out without breaking, "who else but you can make me comfortable?" 

He heard what he wanted to hear. 

He pulls her close in one sweep and lets his mouth hover over hers. 

"Really?" 

"Really" 

Kisses her resolutely. She melts. Without breaking the kiss, she runs her hand through his hair, the thick locks hugging her back. Exploring every single strand, especially the tiny ones above his ear. 

"Oh I've always wanted to do that", she sighs when they're done. Not moving her hand. Looking longingly at his hair. 

He looks amused, " THAT'S what you wanted to do?", he chuckles. 

"Among other things", she sparkles mischievously. 

Doubts - gone!

Hesitation - none!

Qualms - nil!

அவன்

 ”ஹாய், என் பேர் சூர்யா”

முதல் சந்திப்பின் கை குலுக்கலில் 

உன் விரல்களை அறிந்தேன்

”வீட்டில் கொண்டு விடுறேன் வா”

பைக் ஏறி உட்காருகையில்

உன் தோள்களை அறிந்தேன் 

”எப்போ பார்க்க போறோம்”

விடைபெறும் தழுவலில்

உன் முதுகை முழுதாய் அறிந்தேன் 

"இன்னுமா புரியல? ”

முதல் முத்த ஸ்பரிசத்தில் 

உன் அதரங்கள் அறிந்தேன்

"இப்படியே இருக்கணும் "

என் மடியில் உன் தலை கோதி 

உன் கேசக்கால்கள் அறிந்தேன் 

”நான் தூக்கிக்கறேன் வா”

என் வலியை நீ சுமக்க

உன் நெஞ்சை அறிந்தேன் 

”அவ்வளவு எல்லாம் வலிக்கல”

நீ தட்டி கழித்தும் நான் நீவி விட

உன் பாதங்களை அறிந்தேன் 

"கொஞ்சம் பொறுத்துக்கோ டா"

எனக்காக உதிரும் கண்ணீர் துடைத்து

உன் கன்னங்களை அறிந்தேன் 

" உன்ன மாதிரியே இருக்கா "

பெருமையான தந்தை உன் 

அன்பின் ஆழம் அறிந்தேன்

"..... "

எனக்கான மௌன மொழி பேசும் 

உன் கண்ணில் அதீத காதல் தவிர

வேறு என்ன அறிவேன்? 

Conundrum

 "hello" blinks the text from him. Out of the blue. I double check to make sure of the sender's name. 

Did I manifest this? Though it's been radio silence between us, no one else occupies my thoughts as thoroughly as him. All those imagined conversations, all those telepathic questions - had they finally crossed the seas to him? Never had I intently stared at one single word for so long. 

Keeping the questions to myself I cautiously only say hello back. 

He continues with a "How are you?" 

What's he up to? I continue to wonder. For someone who had said he 'doesn't do texting' this sure seems to be an adventure. 

Also, the formality is making me spin my wheels at mile a minute. Why, why, why is he initiating contact?

Instead of screaming out the multitude of questions my overactive brain comes up with, 

"I'm ok", say I cautiously. "Yourself?"

Yup, formal is at least safe. 

"Fabulous"

Ummm .. what?! 

He follows that with a "where are you"

Ok now I need some answers, "I'm at work. Why?"

"Oh no reason"

He always has the perfect hook and I'm always the stupidest fish in his sea. 

I consider cooling off, letting it stew, maybe focus on my task at hand instead, maybe ignoring him, mayb- I call him. 

Now I'm the one who doesn't text. I can't pretend to be aloof anymore.

"What's up", I try being casual but can't. "Why did you ask me where I am?", I blurt out. 

'is the world ending and he's actually traveled over here for the first time ever and he's checking to see if I'm still living here so that he can look me up and I can finally get to show him all my favorite haunts and we can...' my brain is a hot air balloon inflating with the possibilities.

"I'm back home and was going by your neighborhood and thought of meeting up. I was wondering if you were visiting your family for Easter"

Way to deflate that balloon, buddy! 

Still... he's back in our hometown and wants to know if I am. Why? So that we can meet as 'friends'? So that I can be reminded anew of everything about him that I dearly miss? So that I can yearn after something I can never have?

Still... him making the first move and asking if I'm there makes the edges of my heart melt. 

'Stop that shit you absolute idiot' - no one scolds me better than myself. 

"Uh.. no. I can't take off from work now. So I'm staying back here"

"Ah, busy bee! How's work?'

And it's back to the same old story - all he needs to do is give me one word, one glance and I drop every single thing. Involuntarily. Unashamedly. My entire universe comes to a sole focal point. Him.

For the next forty minutes - natural, easy, interesting conversation. It's back to being 'us'. As if the last four years never happened. 

Wait - last four years! 

Four years of 'what ifs' and 'if onlys'. 

Four years after deciding 'I don't think this is going work. We should just be friends'. 

Four incredibly tough years of trying to get over him. 

Alarm bells finally pierce through my thick skull. 

"I have to go", I mutter. Though it sounds like an abrupt and rude end to me, as always he bids me a cheerful adieu. And never does he say 'don't go'. Never does he ask me to stay on. How is letting go so easy? And when will I gain that skill? 

I know that the second the End Call button was pressed, his world will go back to the one without me in it. Smoothly. Effortlessly.

But mine will take a long, long time to stop spinning on his axis and find stability on my own. 

Is this what living in parallel worlds feels like? 

Friends (are) forever

Nila stepped out on to the balcony. The party was still in full swing. But she needed to take a tiny break from the overwhelming love. This party was in her honor and she could hold the spotlight only for so long. Her colleagues who've become her thickest friends had gathered to bid her goodbye.

'Friends like these happen but once in a lifetime', she mused. Her new workplace is going to be just that - completely new in every sense. In a new city, speaking a new language, among new people. She was under no delusion that she'll ever get another group of such wonderful people. She would have to build a life from scratch. Though she looked forward to the challenge, her sense of adventure had to compete against her profound sadness in leaving her friends behind. She knew adventure will win in the end but it'll be a tough struggle indeed. Only the thrill of the unknown kept her going.

She heard someone open the door to the balcony, whipped around and smiled at Kadhir.
He held out a cup, "thought you might need it".
"Way ahead of you", she clinked her cup against his.
He put his elbows on the parapet, mimicking her posture. They both sipped silently, comfortably, eyes focused on the night sky and the city lights.
"so... all set?"
"Mmmm", she nodded, "Almost. Just have to pack a few last minute things. Then I'll be done", she said with a little sigh.
He let that sigh float between them for a few minutes.
"Didn't think you'll really leave so soon. I knew you were looking for a better project but this is quick."
"I know right? I didn't expect it either. But when Ms. Menaka herself asked, I had to jump and take it you know?"
"It sounds great. But, won't you miss... everyone?"
She didn't acknowledge that she noticed his pause. She knew he had changed that last word at the last second. But she answered the spoken question.
"How can I not? All of you guys, your friendship is the best thing to have ever happened to me. Missing you all can be the only reason that can stop me from going!" she laughed ruefully, "but this job is perfect for me and opens many avenues"
"Glad to see you so invested! Wish I could be too. You know something? This job is not my first choice and-"
"Do you think I just met you?", she interrupted, "Of course I do. Your dream is to build your own business. Setting up that training academy. How can I not know that?"
"You know who instilled that dream in me?"
"Your dad?", she hazarded a guess.
He smiled. "The idea to be an entrepreneur may have come from him. But the training academy?", he paused, "that's you".
"What?"
"Months ago, you were talking about your passion for teaching. I always wanted to run my own business and didn't have a clear direction. What you said about teaching lit a spark in me. I've since been researching how to translate the idea into a viable business."
"Oh wow, that's awesome! Are you ready to set it up?"
"No. Not yet. I was hoping...", he hesitated, "that I could have your passion to guide me along."
"What do you mean?", she was confused.
"I was hoping you'll be with me, in my journey, as a partner - in everything"
She turned to him, startled. She had suspected his interest in her. But she knew it could never happen, because her plan for her future was so very different from his. And because she valued him more as a friend than a partner.
"That's not... I'm not...", she tried to find the right words, "You know that's not going to be my journey"
"Why couldn't it be? Why can't you stay and... and share your vision with me and... and be with me?"
It broke her heart to know that she has to break his. 
"Kadhir", she tried to be gentle, "I'm honored to know that my passion inspired you. But do you really think I should not pursue my goal?"
"No, no of course not. But... but if you're not here, who else can inspire me? Without you, I have no reason to dream."
"How can you say that? You cannot rest the responsibility of realizing your dream on me. It's your dream and yours alone. You must make it happen, irrespective of me or anyone"
He was silent because he knew she was right. He knew that what he was asking her was unfair. He also knew that he did not want her to leave him, and didn't know how else to make her stay.
"I'm sorry", she continued, "I can't stay here. This project is a step towards my dream and I want it with all my heart. Please know, wherever I am, I'll always be looking out for your success. I hope to see you achieve your dream on your own. I know you can", she lightly squeezed his shoulder and stepped back into the flat, into the party, back to savor the best friendships of her life in the time she has left with them.
Kadhir stood looking into the night, his eyes filled.

[Twenty two years later]

"Sir?", the young man popped his head in, "there's a lady here who insists on seeing you"
Kadhir looked up, annoyed. "I have a meeting in 5 minutes. Ask her to come back later or wait an hour"
"Oh really, Mr Kadhiravan? I have to wait a whole hour to see you?", she neatly stepped around the man and into the room.
His grimace then turned to a grin that almost split his face in half.

Ten minutes later, meeting forgotten, they settled in to enjoy the coffee.
"So... Blue Moon Academy huh?", asked Nila, with a twinkle in her eyes.
"Couldn't forget my inspiration now, could I?", he chuckled. "So how long are you in town for?"
"Only two more days, I'm just here for my daughter's tournament. How's the family?"
"Great! The twins are ready for high school. Do you know they teach here in the weekends?", he said proudly.
"Why am I not surprised?", she laughed and added fondly, "I'm so proud of you, Kadhir".
"Glad you came in-person this time to tell me that!", he grinned. "Bring the family over tonight for dinner. It's been ages since we all met".
She nodded her assent. "Alright, I'll let you get to your meeting. See you later!" she stood up and held out her hand.
He took it and looked at her, "Thank you Nila, for.. for being there".
"Always", she smiled.

Forbidden

If those eyes glance 

Will they speak pages?

If that fingertip grazes

Will it ignite a volcano?

If those lips curve

Will that sweeten life?

If those words are heard

Will they give wings?

If those hands hold 

Will it warm the heart?

Butterfly kisses

Tender caress

Warm cuddles

Treasured snuggles 

Dreamed with fervor

Destined never to savor

Walking parallel paths

Side by side but

Forever oceans apart

Nomad

I left my hometown about 16 years ago. Have called multiple places 'home' since then. 

Only after leaving home, I believe I truly started adulting.

Because that's when I started making decisions, making mistakes, being responsible for someone else, being really alone and learning to live without a guardrail. 

 These are the experiences that mold you. And where you experience them - your surroundings, play a tremendous role in molding the kind of adult that you become. 

 Maybe that is why, whenever I visit my hometown, I revert to the naïve child that I was. I'm lucky to have my childhood home still, and every visit there effortlessly takes me back to those times. Within a day of my visit, all 16 years' worth of life take a backseat. Example: while there, I couldn't even recall the name of a street that I pass by every day to work!

 In my mind, I was smoothly back into the groove that I left 16 years ago - a puzzle piece fitting back in. 

 Floating in this fancy. I accompanied my mother to a store. Towards the end of our time there, as we were ready to leave, the sweet lady helping us asked me, 'Where are you from?'. 

 I looked at her, surprised, and gave her the usual answer I give to that question: 'Well, here… Chennai'. 

 'Oh, you don't look like you're from here'.

 THUD. 

Yea, well, that was me - no longer floating. Apparently it was not as smooth a fit that I thought I had! 

 And there, in my hometown, I had the immigrant experience - now everyone thinks you're 'not from here'! 

Let me choose to take this as having become a citizen of the world instead - யாதும் ஊரே யாவரும் கேளிர் 😊

First time

"The first time?"

He scrunches up his face in an effort to remember. He turns and looks at the waves. I can see him starting to blush as the memory comes to him.                                                       

It hits me then that I've always loved to see him blush. 

"You remember Sadhana, right? One day after class, I drove her home in my bike", he continues, "she got down and without any warning, quickly leaned in and kissed me and then ran inside her house. That was the first time. It was very sweet and completely unexpected." 

"I wouldn't say unexpected. You are very kissable", I don't realize I had said that out loud until his head snaps around at me.

With mischief and mirth in his eyes he asks, "oh yeah? Then how come, all these years, you never kissed me?" 

"Because I was an idiot", I say, ready to throw caution to the wind.

He smirks and looks back at waves again.

"You know what?" I continue, " I'm much smarter now."

And that is the first time I kiss him. 

Are you cold?

I was reading Emily Henry's 'Happy Place' . Harriet there, doesn't want to show her sadness to her friends and family since she's worried that her sadness will sadden them and she definitely doesn't want to be the cause for their sadness. 

So she hides it and deals with it on her own. 

Which results in them considering her as closed-off and not sharing with them. So instead of making them sad, she's made them mad! 

Then I happen upon these lines from 'Dark Dark Wood' by Ruth Ware 

"I never know what to say in these situations. I hate people prying into my business, so I assume others will feel the same way. But sometimes they want to spill, it seems, and then you look cold and odd, backing away from their confidences. I try to be completely nonjudgmental - not pushing for secrets, not repelling confessions." 

Well ... stories of my life! Still haven't found the sweet spot between being inviting and gently repelling prying. Between sharing confidences and fear overwhelming. Between being warmly open and being a dumpster. 

Collateral damage of being considerate and independent is being perceived as standoffish and rude!

Note that these characters are the narrative voices in both these books and also here in this blog. Meaning... Our perception of self vastly differs from how we're being perceived! And we end up writing about it ourselves because how else can we explain!?

What heartens me is that if more then one author is writing of our cold standoffish characters, there's company for us! Art imitates life! And remember, these are protagonists. So my fellow narrators, do not fear of not being understood - keep bringing that main character energy!! 

We don't talk anymore

Don't wanna text you

Then I won't want to stop

Don't wanna call you

Then I won't want to hang up 

Don't wanna see you

Then I won't want to leave 

Don't wanna think about you 

Then I'll remember 

how much I miss you 

Friends in waves

 

I walk along the shore

    kissed by the waves I adore

some stay on longer

    some flit away a stranger

all recede one day or another

    whether they flash by or linger

but each without fail

    bring me a precious pearl

those I gather in a strand

    and hold tightly in my hand

though waves may have gone afar

    the pearls stay close to heart

Castle

Brick by brick

Dream by dream

This palace of mine

Lives on a moonbeam

So vast a manor

Stands a mile high

Why is it that 

There's just you and I 

Every nook and corner

Filled with echoes 

Of our lived and loved 

Momentous joys

If I take you by hand

And walk you around

This dear castle mine

Where dreams abound

Will you be so shook

And think me delusional 

Or hearten my soul with 

'Mine is the same, my girl'

Milestone Birthday

 Wishes to a friend who truly shows how fabulous 50 can be!

ஆதவனை அற்புதமாக

ஐம்பது முறை சுற்றி விட்டாய்!

கால ஒட்டத்தை கொண்டாடும் இவ்வேளையில்

நினைவோட்டங்களில் சற்று சிலிர்ப்போமே!

அருமையான பொழுதுகள் ஆயிரம் உண்டன்றோ?

கொலு என்றால் பொம்மைகள் ஆவோம்!

கச்சேரி என்றால் பாடகியர் ஆவோம்!

மேடை என்றால் நர்த்தகியர் ஆவோம்!

Party என்றால் பட்டையை கிளப்புவோம்!

ஆமாம்….. அதெப்படி?

சந்திக்கும்போதெல்லாம்

சந்தோஷம் மட்டுமே காண்கிறோம்?

அழகான தருணங்கள் அமைந்த நம் நட்பில்

அகவையின் இடைவெளியை அன்பால் அளந்தோம்!

எதிர்ப்பார்ப்பில்லா அடித்தளம் கொண்ட 

இந்நேசத்தை என்றென்றும் தொடருவோம்! 

பெயர்களில் மட்டுமல்ல -

வாழ்விலும் பல கலைகளில் சிறந்தவளே!

ஆனந்தத்தை உருவாய்க் கொண்டவளே!

தோழி… நீ பல்லாண்டு வாழி!!

காலை எழுந்தவுடன்...

புலருகையில் புல் முத்தமிடும் புதுக்காலையில்

பூங்காற்று பூச்சொரியும் இளவேனிலின் இதத்தை
மிதச்சூட்டில் மனம் வருடும் தெளித் தேநீரின்
உதடு படா உள்செல்லலில் உணர்ந்ததுண்டோ?

அருந்துகையில் அகம் நனைக்கும் அந்நீரில்
இழையோடும் இனிப்பு உன்னதம் உணர்த்தும்
அந்நாளின் அல்லல், ஆவல், ஆக்கங்களை
ஆர்வமாய் எதிர்கொள ஆற்றல் தரும் அவ்வமிர்தம்!

Obsession

my hook sways; slow like death
searching for a prey constantly
you land on it and latch on firmly
oh.. why did you end up being my prey

the prey doesn't know it's caught
but for the hook it's all it has
whole of it's being consumed by
torturous thoughts of its prey

the prey still swims free
unaware that the hook shudders;
twist and turn I may
letting go, moving on is the hardest

my hook lives only here
the farthest deepest trench
that i'm fated to call the mind
so far from the reality it shall never see

in that reality our worlds collide
when you are you and I am me
but those moments are so far and few
they fade so quickly as dusk to night

a different world comes to light
i know it to be unreal; imaginary but
there we've lived a thousand lives
light years removed from what is true

as reality recedes, then comes the hook
impaling the prey in its metal claws
the agony and anguish are not for the prey
but for the mind that possesses the hook

மினுக்கு

பனிமூட்டம் படர்ந்த பின்னிரவு
பார்வைக்கு படவில்லை பனிநிலவு

ஆ!
பளிச்சென தோன்றி மறைந்ததென்ன?
விழி கண்ட பொழுதில் விரைந்ததென்ன?
அலற வைக்கும் ஆவியோ
உறைய வைக்கும் உருவமோ
நிலை கொள்ளா நினைவுத் துகளோ
திடுக்கிடச் செய் தீப் பிழம்போ
இல்லை
இல்லை
மின்னி மறைவது மின்மினி ஒன்று
அண்டத்தின் ஆதித் தீயைத் தன்
அங்கத்தில் அழகாய் அடக்கி
கட்டுக்கடங்கா என் கற்பனையோட்டத்தை
கண நேரத்தில் கட்டியிழுத்து
ஞானச் சுடரேற்றிச் செல்லும் ஒளி அது!

Are you for real?

People from your past never grow old do they? They are stuck in the same place you last saw them.

The problem is, they continue to live and grow in your mind. You imagine them living and behaving as you wish. They take on an entirely believable life in your mind that when you actually meet them later in life, it comes as a shock to you that they're a whole another person!

But does that revelation stop you from continuing to imagining them? No!
You carry on happily, coming up with little dialogues and run-ins and intimacies that make you so happy inside.
Sometimes though the imagination isn't enough. You begin to crave that person living in your imagination to come and make it all real. Oh you still don't want the real person to be there - no no no. It's your imaginary real person for whom you yearn!

It's at times like these, I wonder what if we had a method of communicating these expectations? Maybe that real person has moved on so far ahead that they can't reconcile themselves to the version you imagined. But what if there's someone else out there that matches the imaginary friend you look for?

Then you meet in real life and make a new friend!

The only problem I see here is that your imagination is probably pretty private and there's no way that you can make it public! Anonymous sharing may help but world being as is now, you'll probably just attract creeps. Without resorting to anonymity, the minute you talk about the imaginary version your people know whom you're talking about and judge you. Worse: that person from your past comes to know that they still live in your imagination but in such an avatar. And worst of all the people in your current life come to know that you are weirder than they thought and may not entirely be happy about your private imaginative life!

What's the point of this rant then, you ask? Sometimes wild thoughts refuse to stay cozily inside the mind vault and insist on being laid out in words.

The Reunion

'Batch of 2009 - 10th reunion' the banner proclaimed gaudily. Sara was thankful to enter the hall with Vini by her side. Being not particularly fond of the majority of her classmates, she felt confident facing them with her best friend by her side.
“There! I see Mina. Come on”, Vini pulled her through the sparsely crowded hall. Sara's eyes were arrested by a familiar face near Mina. She automatically felt her tread slowing down. No, she wasn't as confident as she thought she will be.
Before they could reach her, Mina screeched across the room, “Sara! Vini! Oh my god, how long has it been?”
'So much for a subtle approach', Sara sighed to herself. His head had whipped around at the sound of Mina's welcome. He came forward hesitantly though eagerly, "Hey.... Sara, how you been?”
"Hey Nikil", she managed.
He turned to Vini with an easy smile, "Hey Vini, how's the family?"
The hellos were all done and they had all found seats around the circular tables scattered across the room. Sara was thankful that no formal seat allocation had been done. She found that she still couldn't stand many of her classmates. And also she might not have ended up next to Nikil, as she did now.
"So, what have you been up to?” he asked casually.
"Hacking away at life, one day at a time", she said with a straight face. Seeing his startled face, she smiled her trademark curved smile. “I’m sorry, I knew you wanted to know about job, family etc., but I was feeling particularly philosophical then".
"Wow, you haven't changed at all, have you?” he smiled at her.
"I have, Nikil. I very much have", said she looking intently at him.
The hall had started filling up and the reunion events were starting. This was no place was intent conversations. Nikil knew that until he had had that conversation with her, he cannot leave the town. He was able to turn to his other neighbor only after he had made sure that Sara will meet him, at the cafe that had been a favorite haunt, the next day.
---
“It's a Latte isn't it?” he asked her, desperate to be right.
“Latte would be good”.
He heaved an internal sigh of relief, not knowing that she wanted him to be right and that she gave up coffee ages ago.
“Find us some seats. I’ll get the coffees”, he walked off. Waiting in line, he couldn’t resist sneaking surreptitious glances at her. She was lounging by the window, looking lost in thought. ‘What was she thinking? What will she say now? Is it too soon to talk about…? No’, he decided vehemently. He did not have the luxury of time. This was not college where he had thought, foolishly he added in mental parentheses, there was always going to be next day or next year. It had to happen in the now.

Sara was smart enough to understand the reason behind this meet. Though she came hoping that it might happen, she still found herself pleasantly surprised that it happened. Being of the group of people who always secretly wish for a thing to happen but convince themselves that such a thing cannot happen to save themselves the disappointment, she was cautiously happy to finally be sitting here, looking forward to coffee and conversation – the latter more than the former. Cautious, since she was not sure how they were going to talk about it; And if he knew everything that had happened. This train has to make a lot of stops before it reaches destination.
 He came back with the coffees. “So”, he said settling in. “So”, she smiled. Deep conversations have a tough time taking off. You can’t just dive directly into the deep end. Questions that will change his life were foremost in his mind. So obviously he asked her anything other than them. “How's work?” he started.
“Good, how about yours?” Yes, she was doing it too.
“Pretty good”
She smiled her knowing smile. They both understood they didn't really care about each other’s work.
He gathered up his courage. 10 years of separation and age gives that courage. “Are you ok now?”
“Of cour.... Oh”, she understood him and bit off her conventional reply. “Yes, I really am”.
“When I heard about it, much time had passed. Honestly, I wasn’t sure how to talk about it. I wasn’t comfortable calling you up out of the blue. Still I wanted to reach out to you many times, but -”
“But didn’t know how I’ll take it?”
“I’m sorry about it, you know. I really am. ”
“Nikil, it’s fine.”
“Are you really fine Sara? It’s not that I’m prying but I need to know. What actually happened?” He needed to understand and it had to come from her.
She looked at him, startled. The Nikil she knew was never this direct. He had usually been a little diffident around her, never really understanding that she always had given him more rights than he had taken. This directness made him more attractive.
“You know about the accident, I suppose”, she said with a slight question. He nodded.
She went on with her calm, measured voice. “It shattered me. It claimed my unborn and kept my husband and me in the hospital for weeks. After a while, we got better. Better in health, though not in mind. We were ridden with guilt. We blamed ourselves for something that had been beyond our control. It was natural to have a lot of ‘what ifs’. We had our fair share. Counseling helped a little.”
She took a sip from her cup. Nikil didn’t move a muscle.
“Well“, she continued, “it had been a little more than a year since our wedding. It was supposed to be the time for a newly married couple to get to know one another. Not to go through a life-shattering experience. This changed us. Completely. He had gotten married during a rebound phase. I had gotten married because it seemed like the right thing to do. But after that, we both realized that we could not find a reason to stay together. Every day, we kept finding reasons to stay away from each other. Divorce was the sane option. A quick wedding, quick death and quick divorce”, she gave a self-deprecating smile. Less because she enjoyed her wit, more to let him know that she really was fine.
“It’s easy to talk about it now. But I kinda withdrew into myself then. If it hadn’t been for Vini, I might still be there. I got a transfer to be near her family and have been there ever since”, she ended with the same smile.
--
There had been silence for about five minutes now – which really is a long time. She had compressed 10 years of her life in just a few minutes. It took Nikil more time than that to process it all. His mind was racing in a million different directions. Above the racing, one thing stood clear – his resolution of asking her to share his life just got infinitely stronger. The experience had emotionally scarred her but she was still the resilient, confident girl he had known. The scar had only increased his respect towards her.
He had always found it a little hard to collect his thoughts and put them into words when he needed to. And he found himself in the same unenviable position now. While he was struggling with his thoughts, she had moved on with hers.
“So, tell me. What have you been doing with yourself?” she asked. Five minutes were all she could give him to respond. When he didn’t, she didn’t get upset. She had been used to not hearing what she wanted to hear from him, that it had stopped bothering her long ago. With a mild shrug, she naturally shifted the focus.
It had always been like this between them. She had usually decided the direction their conversations shall take. ‘But today’, Nikil decided, ‘will be different’. He ignored her question.
“I’m glad you told me about… well… everything. Sara, will you give us a chance?”
This was a very direct and confident and yes, vocal Nikil that Sara was seeing and for a moment she was disconcerted. Though the question was a wonderfully welcome one, there were still many stops the train needed to make.
“What about… what about Nitya?” she asked a little hesitantly.
“Nitya?” he was surprised, “Didn’t you know that we broke up after a few months?”
“No…” she gave a sudden smile, “all I knew was ‘Nikil – Nitya’. It was our college’s version of ‘Ross and Rachel’”.
“She moved out of the city for her work and long distance wasn’t working. We realized that the only reason we got together was because everyone around us expected us to be together. It was a different kind of peer pressure” he sighed.
“If only…” he stopped.
“What?”
“If only things had worked out between us, there wouldn’t have been any ‘Nikil – Nitya’” he looked at her with something like a reproach.
She raised her eyebrows in an ‘are you kidding me’ look. “How could it have worked with us when you were already with her? From the time I knew you, you guys were talked of together”.
“That was all just talk. They took something I said, added their own meaning to it and started talking of it as if it’s a sure thing. I believe all I said was she was hot or something. College kids – what can you expect?” he said ruefully.
“But you never denied it!”
“Didn’t I? I tried really hard to convince you that there was nothing going on between us. But you were not interested. Whenever I tried to talk about her, you changed the topic”
“Nikil,” she was half amused and half frustrated, “didn’t you realize I was jealous?”
Now it was his turn for the look. ”Jealous?” he said unbelievingly, “You?”
“God! Don’t we know anything about each other? Yes. I was jealous. Madly so. I hated hearing of her. When you started talking of her, I was afraid that you might make me your confidant. It was hard enough to see my guy falling for another girl. I couldn’t imagine being a confidant for them too. That’s why I always changed the topic”
“I’m sorry. Did you just say ‘my guy’?” he asked, smiling from ear to ear.
She flushed and bent her head.
“Why didn’t you tell me this Sara? At least shown me that you were interested?”
“Misplaced pride I suppose”, she said shrugging. “I couldn’t show you my interest unless I knew you were free. But that didn’t happen. There was always this girl or that girl...”
“Sara!! You’re making me out to be a Casanova! Which other girl was there?”
“Oh please! How about Varsha?”
“Who..?”
“Varsha, from first year?”
 “Oh… her. Why would you assume there was something going on? I don’t even remember her”
“It was something that you let slip back in the day. Never mind”, she stopped for fear of appearing whiny.
“No. Tell me please” he was insistent.
“Well,” she started half-ashamed, "I had called you at midnight on your birthday. I heard call waiting. When I asked you the next day, you said you had been speaking to her.” She was fully ashamed now. “I got mad that you ignored my call to speak to her. My over-active imagination came into play then – I had you guys married by the end of that semester. Forget it, it doesn’t matter”.
This was a new Sara that he was seeing.
“Doesn’t matter? Doesn’t matter? If only I had known this, I would’ve come and told you point-blank that you were only girl who mattered. I always found you unwilling to talk about this. I didn’t understand why until now”
“That’s the problem with being a version of the 'strong, independent girl'” she sighed. “I wanted you to make me feel special, feel pampered but my pride always stood in the way. There was no way I was gonna show myself as a jealous girl who needed assurances that she was the most important person in someone’s life.”
She gave herself a little shake and continued. “Now that we have begun the full disclosure I might as well tell you all, I guess. Then there was Neela. I heard her in cafeteria one day, going on about how much in love with you she was, and that she had spoken to you about it and was waiting to hear from you. But I didn’t hear a peep from you about her. I assumed that you didn’t think me close enough to talk to me about her.”
“Wait a minute,” he interrupted, “you got mad I tried to talk to you about Nitya. Then you got mad I didn’t talk to you about Neela? What is a guy to do?”
“Oh they are two different things. You don’t get it”, she said impatiently.
“I have a feeling I never will”, Nikil smiled.
“Anyway, all these things contributed to my thinking that you only just thought me as a good friend and nothing more. That you found me easy to talk to and that’s it.”
“Well, the talking part is right. Out of all the girls in our class, you and Vini were the ones I found easy to talk to”
“There! That exactly is what I mean. See what you just did? When you want to make someone feel special you don’t group them with another person! Vini is my bestie, but when you say things like this, it appears that you put me in the same position as her. Any wonder that I thought I was in your friend zone?”
He sighed, exasperated.
She gave a sudden laugh. “You know what? Forget my stupid complaints. Water under the bridge. Good that we finally cleared it all up”
“Yes,” he said “10 years later!”
“10 or 20, I’m glad it happened Nikil.”
 “I have to agree. I'm really glad we cleared the air today”. He took a deep breath, "You do realize that you really are special to me? That there is a reason I came to this reunion? All through our college life, you were the only one in my mind. Even though we never got together, even after we went our own ways, I just couldn't shake you off my mind. No one else felt right. Not even Nitya", he smilingly answered the question in her eyes.

Her face lighted up. She couldn't believe she was finally hearing what she always wanted to hear. Her college crush, her closest friend was finally confessing his love to her! She had imagined versions of this scene many times in her mind. But never got the confidence to make it a reality because of her misconceptions. But today! Did the long-lost coffee break her reserve? She gave the coffee a sip of thanks.

"I'm sorry I kept these grudges. I should've asked you directly but couldn't quite overcome my ego.  I also must confess - you were the only one that was special to me. No one else mattered. If only I had the courage to tell you this then...", she sighed. 

It was his turn to light up! "Let the past die. What matters now is the future. Will you share yours with me, Sara?”

He held out his hand. She took it.

Lyrics Appreciation Series

There are two kinds of music listeners - those who hear the lyrics and those who hummmmmmmmmmm.
For those of us that belong to the former category, almost all the songs sound like they're written for us and us alone.
Social media has killed that feeling to a certain extent - after you've seen a million TikTok videos for the same exact song that you just swooned over, you get cured of that.

However, recently there was one song that immediately sent a delicious jolt inside of me. This is a song about forbidden love - the girl, who knows her desire is beyond the moral confines, still asks if it can be fulfilled. And the boy replies with his poetic consent.

The questions:
ஏனோ இரவோடு ஒளியாய் கூடும்
உறவொன்று  கேட்கிறேன்
Why do I yearn for a bond
that merges darkness and light

வரை மீறும் இவளின் ஆசை
நிறைவேறப்  பார்க்கிறேன்
I want to fulfill this desire
that bounds across barriers

நதி சேரும் கடலின்மீது
மழை நீராய்  சேருவேன்
I will be the raindrop falling
on a river that joins the ocean

அமுதே பேரமுதே,
பெண் மனதின் கனவின்
ஏக்கம் தீர்க்குமா? ஏற்க்குமா?
my magnificent elixir,
will you sate this girl's desire? will you accept?

மதியை தன் மதியை
இவன் அழகின் பிம்பம்
கண்கள் பார்க்குமா?
தோற்க்குமா?
will his beautiful shadow ever turn an eye to his moon? 
or will it not?

The answers:
மழை வானம் தூறும்போது
மணலென்ன கூசுமோ?
When the rain cloud drizzles
will the sands  shy away?

மலரோடு மலர்கள் கூட
ஊரென்ன தூற்றுமோ?
who would censure 
two flowers coming together?

திரையே திரை கடலே
உன் அதிரும் அன்பு
மதிலை தாண்டுதே
தூண்டுதே.
my glorious ocean!
your shattering love induces me
to cross the barriers

What a beautifully imagined dialog this is!

I raise my hands in appreciation to Ms. Uma Devi, who penned the original song titled Anbey Peyranbey. Thank you for this beauty!

Ms. Uhnnda Stoude

Long long ago, so long ago, no one knows how long ago, there lived a girl.... I think. Well I'm pretty sure she did because our heroine most certainly descended from her. The girl is of the kind who do not learn from their elders and betters - especially when the E's & B's tell her specifically not to [insert any action under the sun]. Her immediate response would be to try that and tell them
"Ohhhh, this is why you told me not to do that. Sure thing, I won't do it anymore" while rubbing her broken leg / burnt finger / singed hair etc. It is a wonder that she escaped near deaths long enough to live and bear descendants.

Well, she did and our heroine is one of them. How do I introduce her to you? I know! Visual Exercise! I want you to imagine you're at the gym - well, specifically at the trash cans behind the gym. Do you see that old tattered punching bag - at the end of its life after receiving blows from many, many boxing gloves over many, many years? MEET OUR HEROINE!

Well, not really but you get the idea.

Our heroine has always been a social creature and a constant twitterer. No, I don't mean that she is in that social network! Get your head out of that cloud! And NO I don't mean the iCloud! FINE. She likes to talk, ok?  And since she likes an audience, she tries to gather as many people around her as she can. And that's where the trouble starts! Did you know that not all people like being gathered?

Here's how it'll typically roll.... Our heroine will come across one person (call them A) whom she instantly connects with and then another (call them B). So naturally she'll bring A & B together because, you know, more the merrier and all...
At this time, one of three things will happen
1. A hates B and will exit, punching our heroine in the gut
2. A loves B and will exit taking B, punching our heroine in the gut
3. A & B both like our heroine and stay on until they each realize their own gangs are more important and will exit, punching our heroine in the gut

Do you notice a common theme in these scenarios?

---❦---

Our heroine loves archery. Slinging arrows at targets is her favorite pastime. And that's how her words flow out of her. Sharp, decisive and flying towards the target. Maybe her love for archery is to blame for the words zinging right out of her mouth. Unfortunately not all of her word arrows reach their target. Well, hey, I said she loves archery, I didn't say that she was an expert!
This is to be said of our heroine: even though the arrows miss their targets, they're always well-intentioned. But, what's the use of well intentioned arrows completely missing their target or worse, hitting the wrong target?
Some times, our heroine takes too long to aim an arrow because she wants the arrow to be so perfect that the target tires of her and walks away, completely missing their intended arrow. And other times, the targets appear so intimidating that she loses her nerve and bungles her arrows.

In any case - all these targets do the same exact thing: they turn right around, pick those missed arrows and throw them right back at our heroine. With a vengeance. I mean, can you blame them?

No wonder she begins to resemble a pin cushion more and more.

                                                                            ---❦---

So, in conclusion, she is a pincushiony, battered, punching bag. This PBPB just doesn't seem to learn though - I mean all she has to do is stop putting herself there, but noooo. True to her ancestry, she will keep doing the same thing over and over because... she is persistent? she won't rest until she gets her 'gang'? she is adamant? she is resilient? Nah. She just has a short term memory and can't help getting punched over and over. 

Next time you see the PBPB wandering around looking for more punches, say hi (from a safe distance). Did I tell you her name yet? Look up, I named this article after her. It's pronounced "under stood".

தூக்கம் ?

(Product of a sleepless night)

நித்திரை தேடி நித்தமும் அலைய
அந்தியின் மடியில் கண்களும் சரிய
குறும்பு நெஞ்சம் குழப்பி தாக்க
தடுமாறும் எண்ணம் தட்டி எழுப்ப
குமுறும் ஆசைகள் கூச்சல் போட
பதைக்கும் மனம் பனிக்கால இரவில்
நித்திரை தேடி நித்தமும் அலைய