Friends (are) forever

Nila stepped out on to the balcony. The party was still in full swing. But she needed to take a tiny break from the overwhelming love. This party was in her honor and she could hold the spotlight only for so long. Her colleagues who've become her thickest friends had gathered to bid her goodbye.

'Friends like these happen but once in a lifetime', she mused. Her new workplace is going to be just that - completely new in every sense. In a new city, speaking a new language, among new people. She was under no delusion that she'll ever get another group of such wonderful people. She would have to build a life from scratch. Though she looked forward to the challenge, her sense of adventure had to compete against her profound sadness in leaving her friends behind. She knew adventure will win in the end but it'll be a tough struggle indeed. Only the thrill of the unknown kept her going.

She heard someone open the door to the balcony, whipped around and smiled at Kadhir.
He held out a cup, "thought you might need it".
"Way ahead of you", she clinked her cup against his.
He put his elbows on the parapet, mimicking her posture. They both sipped silently, comfortably, eyes focused on the night sky and the city lights.
"so... all set?"
"Mmmm", she nodded, "Almost. Just have to pack a few last minute things. Then I'll be done", she said with a little sigh.
He let that sigh float between them for a few minutes.
"Didn't think you'll really leave so soon. I knew you were looking for a better project but this is quick."
"I know right? I didn't expect it either. But when Ms. Menaka herself asked, I had to jump and take it you know?"
"It sounds great. But, won't you miss... everyone?"
She didn't acknowledge that she noticed his pause. She knew he had changed that last word at the last second. But she answered the spoken question.
"How can I not? All of you guys, your friendship is the best thing to have ever happened to me. Missing you all can be the only reason that can stop me from going!" she laughed ruefully, "but this job is perfect for me and opens many avenues"
"Glad to see you so invested! Wish I could be too. You know something? This job is not my first choice and-"
"Do you think I just met you?", she interrupted, "Of course I do. Your dream is to build your own business. Setting up that training academy. How can I not know that?"
"You know who instilled that dream in me?"
"Your dad?", she hazarded a guess.
He smiled. "The idea to be an entrepreneur may have come from him. But the training academy?", he paused, "that's you".
"What?"
"Months ago, you were talking about your passion for teaching. I always wanted to run my own business and didn't have a clear direction. What you said about teaching lit a spark in me. I've since been researching how to translate the idea into a viable business."
"Oh wow, that's awesome! Are you ready to set it up?"
"No. Not yet. I was hoping...", he hesitated, "that I could have your passion to guide me along."
"What do you mean?", she was confused.
"I was hoping you'll be with me, in my journey, as a partner - in everything"
She turned to him, startled. She had suspected his interest in her. But she knew it could never happen, because her plan for her future was so very different from his. And because she valued him more as a friend than a partner.
"That's not... I'm not...", she tried to find the right words, "You know that's not going to be my journey"
"Why couldn't it be? Why can't you stay and... and share your vision with me and... and be with me?"
It broke her heart to know that she has to break his. 
"Kadhir", she tried to be gentle, "I'm honored to know that my passion inspired you. But do you really think I should not pursue my goal?"
"No, no of course not. But... but if you're not here, who else can inspire me? Without you, I have no reason to dream."
"How can you say that? You cannot rest the responsibility of realizing your dream on me. It's your dream and yours alone. You must make it happen, irrespective of me or anyone"
He was silent because he knew she was right. He knew that what he was asking her was unfair. He also knew that he did not want her to leave him, and didn't know how else to make her stay.
"I'm sorry", she continued, "I can't stay here. This project is a step towards my dream and I want it with all my heart. Please know, wherever I am, I'll always be looking out for your success. I hope to see you achieve your dream on your own. I know you can", she lightly squeezed his shoulder and stepped back into the flat, into the party, back to savor the best friendships of her life in the time she has left with them.
Kadhir stood looking into the night, his eyes filled.

[Twenty two years later]

"Sir?", the young man popped his head in, "there's a lady here who insists on seeing you"
Kadhir looked up, annoyed. "I have a meeting in 5 minutes. Ask her to come back later or wait an hour"
"Oh really, Mr Kadhiravan? I have to wait a whole hour to see you?", she neatly stepped around the man and into the room.
His grimace then turned to a grin that almost split his face in half.

Ten minutes later, meeting forgotten, they settled in to enjoy the coffee.
"So... Blue Moon Academy huh?", asked Nila, with a twinkle in her eyes.
"Couldn't forget my inspiration now, could I?", he chuckled. "So how long are you in town for?"
"Only two more days, I'm just here for my daughter's tournament. How's the family?"
"Great! The twins are ready for high school. Do you know they teach here in the weekends?", he said proudly.
"Why am I not surprised?", she laughed and added fondly, "I'm so proud of you, Kadhir".
"Glad you came in-person this time to tell me that!", he grinned. "Bring the family over tonight for dinner. It's been ages since we all met".
She nodded her assent. "Alright, I'll let you get to your meeting. See you later!" she stood up and held out her hand.
He took it and looked at her, "Thank you Nila, for.. for being there".
"Always", she smiled.

Forbidden

If those eyes glance 

Will they speak pages?

If that fingertip grazes

Will it ignite a volcano?

If those lips curve

Will that sweeten life?

If those words are heard

Will they give wings?

If those hands hold 

Will it warm the heart?

Butterfly kisses

Tender caress

Warm cuddles

Treasured snuggles 

Dreamed with fervor

Destined never to savor

Walking parallel paths

Side by side but

Forever oceans apart

Nomad

I left my hometown about 16 years ago. Have called multiple places 'home' since then. 

Only after leaving home, I believe I truly started adulting.

Because that's when I started making decisions, making mistakes, being responsible for someone else, being really alone and learning to live without a guardrail. 

 These are the experiences that mold you. And where you experience them - your surroundings, play a tremendous role in molding the kind of adult that you become. 

 Maybe that is why, whenever I visit my hometown, I revert to the naïve child that I was. I'm lucky to have my childhood home still, and every visit there effortlessly takes me back to those times. Within a day of my visit, all 16 years' worth of life take a backseat. Example: while there, I couldn't even recall the name of a street that I pass by every day to work!

 In my mind, I was smoothly back into the groove that I left 16 years ago - a puzzle piece fitting back in. 

 Floating in this fancy. I accompanied my mother to a store. Towards the end of our time there, as we were ready to leave, the sweet lady helping us asked me, 'Where are you from?'. 

 I looked at her, surprised, and gave her the usual answer I give to that question: 'Well, here… Chennai'. 

 'Oh, you don't look like you're from here'.

 THUD. 

Yea, well, that was me - no longer floating. Apparently it was not as smooth a fit that I thought I had! 

 And there, in my hometown, I had the immigrant experience - now everyone thinks you're 'not from here'! 

Let me choose to take this as having become a citizen of the world instead - யாதும் ஊரே யாவரும் கேளிர் 😊

First time

"The first time?"

He scrunches up his face in an effort to remember. He turns and looks at the waves. I can see him starting to blush as the memory comes to him.                                                       

It hits me then that I've always loved to see him blush. 

"You remember Sadhana, right? One day after class, I drove her home in my bike", he continues, "she got down and without any warning, quickly leaned in and kissed me and then ran inside her house. That was the first time. It was very sweet and completely unexpected." 

"I wouldn't say unexpected. You are very kissable", I don't realize I had said that out loud until his head snaps around at me.

With mischief and mirth in his eyes he asks, "oh yeah? Then how come, all these years, you never kissed me?" 

"Because I was an idiot", I say, ready to throw caution to the wind.

He smirks and looks back at waves again.

"You know what?" I continue, " I'm much smarter now."

And that is the first time I kiss him. 

Are you cold?

I was reading Emily Henry's 'Happy Place' . Harriet there, doesn't want to show her sadness to her friends and family since she's worried that her sadness will sadden them and she definitely doesn't want to be the cause for their sadness. 

So she hides it and deals with it on her own. 

Which results in them considering her as closed-off and not sharing with them. So instead of making them sad, she's made them mad! 

Then I happen upon these lines from 'Dark Dark Wood' by Ruth Ware 

"I never know what to say in these situations. I hate people prying into my business, so I assume others will feel the same way. But sometimes they want to spill, it seems, and then you look cold and odd, backing away from their confidences. I try to be completely nonjudgmental - not pushing for secrets, not repelling confessions." 

Well ... stories of my life! Still haven't found the sweet spot between being inviting and gently repelling prying. Between sharing confidences and fear overwhelming. Between being warmly open and being a dumpster. 

Collateral damage of being considerate and independent is being perceived as standoffish and rude!

Note that these characters are the narrative voices in both these books and also here in this blog. Meaning... Our perception of self vastly differs from how we're being perceived! And we end up writing about it ourselves because how else can we explain!?

What heartens me is that if more then one author is writing of our cold standoffish characters, there's company for us! Art imitates life! And remember, these are protagonists. So my fellow narrators, do not fear of not being understood - keep bringing that main character energy!! 

We don't talk anymore

Don't wanna text you

Then I won't want to stop

Don't wanna call you

Then I won't want to hang up 

Don't wanna see you

Then I won't want to leave 

Don't wanna think about you 

Then I'll remember 

how much I miss you 

Friends in waves

 I walk along the shore

    kissed by the waves I adore

some stay on longer

    some flit away a stranger

all recede one day or another

    whether they flash by or linger

but each without fail

    bring me a precious pearl

those I gather in a strand

    and hold tightly in my hand

though waves may have gone afar

    the pearls stay close to heart